tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2009-11-07:/My thoughts on life, the Universe and everything. My life story in brief- the candid look inside the mind of a village idiot. MokoFeed2009-11-07T12:44:14+01:00tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2007-07-08:/2007/07/08/dartford_festival~2597069/floodge2007-07-08T18:20:38+02:002007-07-08T18:20:38+02:00 <p>I think I will tell you all about how wonderful my local council is (ha ha). Every year in July they have a festival- Which has various musical acts over 2 days. This year we have the musical delights of ..... Chico......Andy Abrahams......and Ben Mills-- oh the joys!!!!!</p> <p>So please tell all you know, about Dartfords most wonderful music Festival on July 21st/22nd</p> <p>But on a more serious note- it's a good family day out and it's all for the bargain basement one off price of Gratis- thats right my friends absolutely free- so if you can make it come and join us Dartfordians in our merriment!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2007/07/08/dartford_festival~2597069/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2007-07-08:/2007/07/08/tour_de_france~2596869/floodge2007-07-08T17:45:24+02:002007-07-08T17:46:47+02:00 <p>Hello</p> <p>Feel compelled to tell you about my wonderful day today</p> <p>Of course as most of you are aware It's the starting weekend of the Tour de France. So Myself and my family were up at an unusual hour considering it was sunday to head down to the High Street were the "Caravane" was passing through at 9.40 to be followed by the riders a 1/4 of the way through the 2nd stage. At 11.26 Miller came through which must have been a good 2-3 minutes in front of the others only to have to go up a hill which can only be described as mountainous- unfortunatley he didn't finish in a place today but currently he is 3rd overall. (by the way Miller is British .....Yay!!!!!!!) When the main pack came through it was exhilerating- you could feel the breeze on your face as they cycled through.</p> <p>So for your viewing pleasure- here are some of the fabulous photos taken from my viewing point at the very front in Dartford Kent.<img src="http://data4.blog.de/media/278/1773278_366bee4fc4_m.jpg" alt="miller" vspace="5" hspace="5"><img src="http://data4.blog.de/media/279/1773279_eb41518ebd_m.jpg" alt="pack" vspace="5" hspace="5"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2007/07/08/tour_de_france~2596869/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2007-02-15:/2007/02/15/housework~1747250/floodge2007-02-15T19:42:12+01:002007-02-15T19:42:12+01:00 <p>I have decided that the world must be against me- </p> <p>work persons are digging up the road outside my house- whenever they start there big manly tools( or the ones they think make them look manly)it power surges and causes all the downsairs electricity to switch off- which is all very well- but I've only just had my cable tv reconnected and missed 2 days of phone etc and it was during shock horror but House!- so while it is off I decide that seeing as my mum is coming to see me and the kids tomorrow, that I could be getting on with some housework- could being the operative word- downstairs electrics gone- so can't use hoover- oh wouldn't have been able to anyway- remembered that the band went over a week ago and haven't had the time or the inkling to actually take the hoover apart and replace it so have been using dustpan and brush- which you may be thinking is very lazy- and you would be right- because It is a carefully constructed plan, to get out of housework- if I use the dustpan and brush - my 3 year old thinks it's a game and begs me to let her have ago- which after a lot of begging (yeah right) I agree to Carragh 'helping' mummy.</p> <p>I spent 3 hours picking up the kids toys- - all the tiny bits of lego and barbie furniture scatttered all over the house- I thought I would start as I meant to go on and make sure, before I put the toys away in the box, all the peices were present and correct. I have finally just sat down- as every time I tried to throw away any broken or incomplete toys - they were emptying the whole of the rubbish bag all over the place and the toys being picked up and put in the only clean bit of floor there now was and leaving them there- only to kick them about the place when they were playing kill the sister.</p> <p>Several times I felt like giving up- I cleaned the house from top to bottom - what felt like 5 times today- as fast as I was finishing one room- the little hurricanes were demolishing it.</p> <p>The only thing that made me tough it out- is the fact my wonderful Mother is coming over tomorrow- and she will only moan and give me the lecture about - you have to keep on top of the chores- blah blah- blah-the kids could get bird flu, e-coli, botchilism from that teletubbie being left on the floor for that long- so what I do is run around like a woman possessed the day before she comes - and then sit smug when she arrives- and pretend that it has been kept that clean since her last visit.</p> <p>And just when I think I got away with it - my wonderful daughter announces that she thught it was hysterically funny when mummy was running around like a lunatic- with a duster in left hand- air freshner in right- (and obligatory broom up my arse)- trying to make the house look nice and pretty for Nana- Oh how I laugh!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2007/02/15/housework~1747250/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2007-02-13:/2007/02/13/such_a_great_day~1734733/floodge2007-02-13T18:24:26+01:002007-02-13T18:24:26+01:00 <p>Today has been a really boring day!</p> <p>I woke up to find cable company have messed up again and have disconnected my bloody phone and cable TV.( the only thing now worth watching on terrestrial tv- and has been on my TV since 9.00 this morning -cbeebies)<br> I'm afraid I have been somewhat spoiled with Hallmark and Living Tv. My favourite time of the day after watching the brain washing Touched by an Angel ( the poor mans Highway to Heaven!) is my beloved House- so imagine my distain, to find that my fix will not be granted. Some may say, why didn't I ring them on my mobile and find out what the dickens they were up to - but at 5p at least per minute, from a land line, imagine the unadulterated cost from my pay as you go- ( which unfortunately, I tend not to pay - therefore I can't go). So I have no credit </p> <p>So I email my mum and ask her to ring me- I'm half way through my wallowing, when mum goes into the lecture about managing my money beter and such, the same Mum- 3 days ago I lent £50.00- yes grand idea Mum- So I am stuck until tonight, when my other half comes in - so I can leave him with the kids - while I go to payphone, where the phone call is free.</p> <p>But now I am asking myself why I didn't do that earlier - and my only answer to that is Doh!- and plus the fact that if I'm in a public phone booth, on hold listening to Greensleeves, oh and the 'Your call is important to us, and should be answered a week next Tuesday' Some cynical members of my community - may think I am waiting for my next punter- So all said, I think I may send him to go and call- and if he gets propositioned, well all credit to him - as I have been clearly missing something for the last 5 years- and should have sent him out to work sooner!</p> <p>And to add to it all, my neighbours next door- done a swifty and moved out- the first I knew about it, was the 'To me, To you' coming through the landing walls, So in the interests of neighbourly concern- I went straight to the bedroom window- (to be nosey- no curious, no caring) to find them loading up a removal van, with the £39.99 - (in Argos)- indoor clothes airer I lent them 3 months ago and my Nicky Clarke hairdryer I lent her Yesterday afternoon. I had only a T'shirt on or I would have given her a peice of my mind out of the window, but by the time I found bottoms, got downstairs, hunted in my handbag for keys to open s*dding porch door- they were driving away, in there hired Bedford van and Vauxhall Corsa crammed full of lamshades,carrier bags and duvet covers- with just a hint of what looked like there 3 year old son folded up in the left corner of their boot- answer me this, that in all my misplaced anger at my 2 year old for going in my purse and hiding mummies keys, I thought to myself - why are they called carrier bags- (surely by the shear nature of a bag it means that it can be carried) - considering that carrying even a hint of anything more substantial then 4 wholemeal baps in a 'carrier bag' ensures that the handles go all thin and cut the circulation of your right hand off- so indeed an infringment on Trades Description act - seeing as you cannot, in actual fact carry them- but on the bright side- you can use them for cramming all the old sh*t you don't know what to do with when you move (like somebody elses hairdryer), into the back of small car</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2007/02/13/such_a_great_day~1734733/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2007-02-12:/2007/02/12/for_all_the_romantics~1727447/floodge2007-02-12T15:49:24+01:002007-02-12T15:49:24+01:00 <p>It has been a very long time since my last blog- but here is a sweet thing that I have added a link to, for all you lovely romantic softies out there. I have been totally addicted to this for the last week - my highest score is 91. I'm sure this will easily be beaten. Enjoy </p> <p><a href="http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/high.htm">http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/high.htm</a></p> <p>Happy early valentines!</p> <p>And for all the men stuck out there- Jewellery is always a safe bet- or nice underwear(in white)(Oh and if you're not sure what size she is, always go with the size smaller than you think she may be- at least that way you won't get the silent treatment or a thick ear- us females will be thrilled to bits that you think we are ex smaller than we really are ! ha ha)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2007/02/12/for_all_the_romantics~1727447/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-12-14:/2006/12/14/hello_again_joke_of_the_day~1437081/floodge2006-12-14T13:00:04+01:002006-12-14T13:00:04+01:00 <p>Hello Again.<br> I have been away from blogging for a few months - my mother board on the computer blew and I had to wait 3 months for an engineer to come out and fix it- meanwhile calling 0845 numbers for up to 1.5 hours trying to get through to said engineer- so that I could get it fixed on the extended warranty I was practically forced into buying when I purchased the computer. But whey hey I am back and running- apparently it was my keyboard that has caused pc illness- and although they could fix the pc they were not responsible for the keyboard- but engineer was very nice ( ha!) and offered me an old keyboard form the back of his van. When he plugged it in I realised that I was missing the letter M, N, @ and E, I mean E for goodness sake- but I pulled the F buttons off and put them in strategic places. until I can get to Tescos where apparently their about £4.00. </p> <p>But in honour of my Computer I have a themed Joke of the day</p> <p>A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.<br> "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."<br> "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."<br> A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"<br> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.<br> Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.<br> The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:<br> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.<br> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.<br> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and<br> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.</p> <p>(THIS GETS BETTER!)<br> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:<br> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.<br> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.<br> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and<br> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.<br> The women won</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/12/14/hello_again_joke_of_the_day~1437081/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-08-17:/2006/08/17/good_morning~1046304/floodge2006-08-17T11:36:51+02:002006-08-17T11:36:51+02:00 <p>I am a bit befuddled as I have only just woken up- Can't believe the kids have only just woken up too- unbelievable (that's obviously why I can't believe it)</p> <p>Dinner at my mother and father in laws must have really taken it out of me and the poor kids with the wicked grandma (what bigs eas you have grandma)Those poor kids eh?</p> <p>Well it was either the social visit of a bout of bedtime tv which consisted of channel hopping between some bird who won big brother once being told off by some bloke who doesn't know what accent to speak in and a potty mouthed Tourettes Sufferer on Big Brother.- I really can't decide which was less appealing.</p> <p>Mind you I did laugh when that camp guy who was up Natasha Kaplonksky for a While did a runner and lost his sarong- oh the shame!- When the thing they call Love Island ( so called because they all love themselves rather than anybody else mainly) finished I turned to channel 6 - ITV2 I watched for about 5 minutes and came to the conclusion that I must have had my dinner or my shloer spiked ( I always new there was a strange and kind of hateful vibe towards me, from my mother in Law) What an earth is going on with that Aftersun programme It is soo weird.</p> <p>Anyway enough of my ramblings the kids have decided they want to go on the cbeebies website so bye for now </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/08/17/good_morning~1046304/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-08-16:/2006/08/16/joke_of_the_day~1043907/floodge2006-08-16T13:26:38+02:002006-08-16T13:26:38+02:00 <p>Criminal Mastermind </p> <p>An applicant was filling out a job application. </p> <p>When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."</p> <p>The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"</p> <p>The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/08/16/joke_of_the_day~1043907/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-08-16:/2006/08/16/joke_of_the_day~1043897/floodge2006-08-16T13:23:29+02:002006-08-16T13:23:29+02:00 <p>Yes they are back- Sorry about the break.</p> <p>Electric Train</p> <p>A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." </p> <p>The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." </p> <p>Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." </p> <p>As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/08/16/joke_of_the_day~1043897/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-08-04:/2006/08/04/what_is_this_folk_traditional_song_calle~1014264/floodge2006-08-04T18:33:58+02:002006-08-04T18:35:26+02:00 <p>On a trip to Newcastle about 7 years ago- I was talked into going to a folk club- boo hiss I thought! but I actually really enjoyed it - everybody took their own instruments and had a sort of traditional kinda Jools Holland moment. I was suprised at how many of the songs I new and could join in with. </p> <p>But ever since I have been bugged by these lyrics:</p> <p>My old man can't keep his hands of the bottle,<br> He just doesn't know when to stop,<br> Something snaps in his head,<br> And he won't come to bed,<br> Till he's finished every drop.</p> <p>I've googled it, ask Jeevesed it - you name it I've done it to try to find out what this song is called- a sI would like to go buy it. I've been to record stores- I've asked Irish relatives- who all seem to know it when I sing it, but have no idea what it is- PLEASE HELP- I WOULD BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. And my friends will no longer be embarressed about me singing to comlete strangers </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/08/04/what_is_this_folk_traditional_song_calle~1014264/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-06-19:/2006/06/19/football_supporters_joke_of_the_day~894016/floodge2006-06-19T15:21:10+02:002006-06-19T15:21:10+02:00 <p>A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.<br> While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister:<br> "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."<br> His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says<br> "Go talk to your mother."<br> So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.<br> "Mum?"<br> "Yes son?"<br> "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".<br> The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says,<br> "Go talk to your father."<br> Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.<br> "Dad?"<br> "Yes son?"<br> "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."<br> The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:<br> "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"<br> About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says;<br> "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"<br> The son says, "Yes dad I have."<br> The dad says "Good son, what is it?"</p> <p>The son replies: "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you f*cking germans." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/06/19/football_supporters_joke_of_the_day~894016/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-06-12:/2006/06/12/last_joke_for_today_i_promise~872994/floodge2006-06-12T16:23:25+02:002006-06-12T16:23:25+02:00 <p> BALL LICKER</p> <p>Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.<br> The first man says: "Gee, I wish I could do that."<br> The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/06/12/last_joke_for_today_i_promise~872994/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-06-12:/2006/06/12/blonde_joke_doh~872988/floodge2006-06-12T16:20:36+02:002006-06-12T16:20:36+02:00 <p> A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK</p> <p>A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.<br> "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."<br> So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.<br> She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.<br> In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."<br> "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/06/12/blonde_joke_doh~872988/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-06-12:/2006/06/12/baby_on_board~872982/floodge2006-06-12T16:18:51+02:002006-06-12T16:18:51+02:00 <p> Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:</p> <p>A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"<br> The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"<br> The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/06/12/baby_on_board~872982/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-06-12:/2006/06/12/can_t_help_it_found_this_very_amusing_in~872975/floodge2006-06-12T16:16:44+02:002006-06-12T16:16:44+02:00 <p>ROUND THE BEND</p> <p>A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'<br> Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/06/12/can_t_help_it_found_this_very_amusing_in~872975/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-06-12:/2006/06/12/joke_of_the_day~872906/floodge2006-06-12T15:58:00+02:002006-06-12T15:58:00+02:00 <p><strong><u>BLONDES DREAM</u></strong></p> <p>A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.<br> Doctor: "What is your dream about?"<br> Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."<br> Doctor: "So, where are you in this dream?"<br> Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."<br> Doctor: "Then what happens?"<br> Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"<br> Doctor: "Does the door have any letters on it?"<br> Blonde: "Yes."<br> Doctor: "And what do these letter spell?"<br> Blonde: "P.. U... L... L..." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/06/12/joke_of_the_day~872906/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-30:/2006/05/30/sick_but_funny_joke_of_the_day~839895/floodge2006-05-30T09:57:15+02:002006-05-30T09:57:15+02:00 <p>Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a Plane for her birthday!</p> <p>Although he'll need to buy immac for the other leg! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/sick_but_funny_joke_of_the_day~839895/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-19:/2006/05/19/say_no_to_crack~811571/floodge2006-05-19T10:00:43+02:002006-05-19T10:00:43+02:00 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=555202"><img src="http://data1.blog.de/media/202/555202_8adbae9e36_s.jpg" align="" alt="crack" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/19/say_no_to_crack~811571/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-19:/2006/05/19/new_study_on_ladies_bum_sizes~811486/floodge2006-05-19T09:25:52+02:002006-05-19T09:25:52+02:00 <p>WOMEN'S BUM SIZE STUDY</p> <p>There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their<br> asses!</p> <p>I thought the results were pretty interesting:</p> <p>A. 85% of women think their ass is too fat...<br> B. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...<br> C. The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and<br> they would have married him anyway.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/19/new_study_on_ladies_bum_sizes~811486/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-08:/2006/05/08/church_message_board~784155/floodge2006-05-08T14:22:53+02:002006-05-08T14:22:53+02:00 <p>Actual messages left on Church Bullitin Board</p> <p>-Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. </p> <p>-Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. </p> <p>-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. </p> <p>-For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. </p> <p>-The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of<br> David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. </p> <p>-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. </p> <p>-Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. </p> <p>-Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. </p> <p>-Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study. </p> <p>-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. </p> <p>-The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. </p> <p>-Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. </p> <p>-The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. </p> <p>-A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. </p> <p>-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/church_message_board~784155/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-08:/2006/05/08/newspaper_headlines~784145/floodge2006-05-08T14:18:18+02:002006-05-08T14:18:18+02:00 <p> Stating The bloody obvious:</p> <p>If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while </p> <p>War dims hope for peace </p> <p>Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency </p> <p>Cold wave linked to temperatures </p> <p>Child's death ruins couple's holiday </p> <p>Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years </p> <p>Man is fatally slain </p> <p>Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say </p> <p>Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation </p> <p>and a few which should have had more thought:</p> <p>Two convicts evade noose, jury hung </p> <p>Prostitutes appeal to Pope</p> <p>Organ festival ends in smashing climax </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/newspaper_headlines~784145/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-08:/2006/05/08/mouse~784010/floodge2006-05-08T13:19:56+02:002006-05-08T13:19:56+02:00 <p>Yesterday, I had the fright of my life- </p> <p>My husband and I had had a few of those little dumpy french beers Saturday evening- Well I must have missed a bottle when I was tidying up that evening</p> <p>Well yesterday was such a lovely day - that we had all the french doors open. While my husband was doing the gardening I thougth I'd do some housework. So as I'm tidying I spotted a bottle just underneath the coffee table. As I picked it up it had a duster half in and half out of the top of it- I thought my daughter carragh must have been trying to push it into the bottle.</p> <p>As I have brought it up to have a look and pull the said duster out of the beer bottle i Noticed something inside- on closer inspection and after several screams- and practically throwing it at my husband - I discovered it was a field mouse- who had stupidly gone in there and pulled the duster in after him to try to make a nest and then trapped himself. He was alive- but very drunk lol.</p> <p>The mouse had obviously come in from the fields and bushes at the back of the house. But needless to say- i have now been up all night checking that none of his brothers have decided to move in. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/mouse~784010/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-07:/2006/05/07/more_funny_quotes~782518/floodge2006-05-07T20:11:18+02:002006-05-07T20:11:43+02:00 <p>"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman) </p> <p>- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) </p> <p>- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker) </p> <p>- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson) </p> <p>- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush) </p> <p>- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno) </p> <p>- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman) </p> <p>- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/07/more_funny_quotes~782518/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-07:/2006/05/07/funny_quotes~782508/floodge2006-05-07T20:06:42+02:002006-05-07T20:13:23+02:00 <p>- From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) </p> <p>- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) </p> <p>- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker) </p> <p>- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon) </p> <p>- "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe) </p> <p>- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling) </p> <p>- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge) </p> <p>- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/07/funny_quotes~782508/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-07:/2006/05/07/court_room_drama~782497/floodge2006-05-07T20:01:05+02:002006-05-07T20:01:05+02:00 <p>For those of you who have not had the pleasure in reading these- these are true statements made during court hearings- compiled and made into a wonderful book (and then email) by court reporters</p> <p>Quite old now- and I've received it several times- but still funny as heck</p> <p>Some of these are excellent ...<br> Q: What is your date of birth?<br> A: July fifteenth.<br> Q: What year?<br> A: Every year. </p> <p>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?<br> A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks. </p> <p>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?<br> A: Yes.<br> Q: And what were you doing at that time? </p> <p>Q: She had three children, right?<br> A: Yes.<br> Q: How many were boys?<br> A: None.<br> Q: Were there any girls?</p> <p>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?<br> A: By death.<br> Q: By whose death was it terminated? </p> <p>Q: Can you describe the individual?<br> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.<br> Q: Was this a male, or a female? </p> <p>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?<br> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. </p> <p>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?<br> A: Oral. </p> <p>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?<br> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.<br> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?<br> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.</p> <p>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?<br> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"<br> Q: And why did that upset you?<br> A: My name is Susan. </p> <p>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?<br> A: No.<br> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?<br> A: No.<br> Q: Did you check for breathing?<br> A: No.<br> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?<br> A: No.<br> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?<br> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.<br> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?<br> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/07/court_room_drama~782497/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-05:/2006/05/05/blonde_joke_no_offence~778188/floodge2006-05-05T16:58:08+02:002006-05-05T16:58:08+02:00 <p>Horseback Riding </p> <p>A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. </p> <p>The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. </p> <p>Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. </p> <p>Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Asda manager happened to walk by and unplug it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/05/blonde_joke_no_offence~778188/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-05-03:/2006/05/03/joke_of_the_day~772943/floodge2006-05-03T13:58:01+02:002006-05-03T13:58:39+02:00 <p>Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.</p> <p>As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. </p> <p>"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.<br> "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/05/03/joke_of_the_day~772943/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-04-23:/2006/04/23/joke_of_the_st_georges_day~748489/floodge2006-04-23T01:30:28+02:002006-04-23T01:30:28+02:00 <p>Happy St Georges Day everybody</p> <p>heres something to cheer you up</p> <p>Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag? </p> <p>A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer</p> <p>Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?</p> <p>A. Because they can't hang onto a lead.</p> <p>The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.</p> <p>Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".</p> <p>Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.</p> <p>"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".</p> <p>Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".</p> <p>Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."</p> <p>His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.</p> <p>I know bad ey? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/04/23/joke_of_the_st_georges_day~748489/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-04-22:/2006/04/22/my_mum~746726/floodge2006-04-22T10:57:39+02:002006-04-22T10:57:39+02:00 <p>Today I shall be meeting my mother- aah bless- apparently she decided to colour her ash blonde hair with a smidge of grey- a sort of red colour ( thinking it wuld turn a sort of gold colour which was her original colouring ) Unfortunately for her it has turned her hair a very nasty ( apparently ) bright ginger ( no offense to those who have ginger hair meant) So I am looking forward to seeing her just for the comedy value. It's nice to have somebody else being the butt of jokes for a change.</p> <p>We are going to the local social club where they are selling Carling for £1.50 a pint ( yipee) and she said that if anybody looks at her strange she is gonna say she is going to a fancy dress party later! I said she should say she dyed her hair in honour of St George!</p> <p>Anyway, enough of my ramblings- I am going to wash my NATURALLY red hair and get ready for mucho beer</p> <p>I hope eerybody enjoys there weekend<br> ta tah for now </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/04/22/my_mum~746726/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:floodge.blog.co.uk,2006-04-20:/2006/04/20/joke_of_the_day_the_old_uns_are_the_best~741311/floodge2006-04-20T09:51:25+02:002006-04-20T09:51:25+02:00 <p>There was a bus conductor, and he was good at his job.</p> <p>He worked at it for a long time, and after several years of this, he ended up getting really dissatisfied.</p> <p>One day, he went into work, and the first person who asked him for money had 3 screaming children. They just wouldn't shut up, no matter what he did.<br> The next person didn't have change, and had to break a £20. By this point the Conductor was just fuming.<br> "One more person pisses me off today," he says "and I swear I'm going to slaughter the whole damn bus!"<br> Sure enough, the next person who he asks didn't have any money at all. He flipped, pulled out a machete, and killed everyone on board.</p> <p>He was taken away, and the Judge, apalled by the severity of his crime, issues the Death Sentence.</p> <p>So he lives in Death Row for a few years before finally being led to the Electric Chair.</p> <p>The executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal. "A green banana" says the man. So the executioner hands him a green banana. He very deliberately eats it, before being led away.<br> He straps him into the machine, and turns the electricity on. After a minute, they shut the machine down. The man is sitting there, completely unharmed. "Hmm... maybe the machine's on the blink. We'll try again tomorrow."</p> <p>So the next day, they try again, and again ask him what he wants as his last meal. Again, the man asks for a green banana. One again, he eats it, they strap him in, and again, leaving it on for a minute, the man is there, completely unharmed.</p> <p>This follows on for the next week, each time the man eating a green banana, then the electrocution failing.</p> <p>Eventually they decide they're going to have to try the lethal injection.</p> <p>This is going to be a different executioner, so the first executioner says to the man "can I just ask you one thing?"<br> "Sure" says the doomed man.<br> "What's your secret? What is it about the bananas that makes you invulnerable to electrocution?"<br> "Nothing," says the man "I'm just a bad conductor!"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://floodge.blog.co.uk/2006/04/20/joke_of_the_day_the_old_uns_are_the_best~741311/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>