I think I will tell you all about how wonderful my local council is (ha ha). Every year in July they have a festival- Which has various musical acts over 2 days. This year we have the musical delights of ..... Chico......Andy Abrahams......and Ben Mills-- oh the joys!!!!!

So please tell all you know, about Dartfords most wonderful music Festival on July 21st/22nd

But on a more serious note- it's a good family day out and it's all for the bargain basement one off price of Gratis- thats right my friends absolutely free- so if you can make it come and join us Dartfordians in our merriment!!

Hello

Feel compelled to tell you about my wonderful day today

Of course as most of you are aware It's the starting weekend of the Tour de France. So Myself and my family were up at an unusual hour considering it was sunday to head down to the High Street were the "Caravane" was passing through at 9.40 to be followed by the riders a 1/4 of the way through the 2nd stage. At 11.26 Miller came through which must have been a good 2-3 minutes in front of the others only to have to go up a hill which can only be described as mountainous- unfortunatley he didn't finish in a place today but currently he is 3rd overall. (by the way Miller is British .....Yay!!!!!!!) When the main pack came through it was exhilerating- you could feel the breeze on your face as they cycled through.

So for your viewing pleasure- here are some of the fabulous photos taken from my viewing point at the very front in Dartford Kent.

I have decided that the world must be against me-

work persons are digging up the road outside my house- whenever they start there big manly tools( or the ones they think make them look manly)it power surges and causes all the downsairs electricity to switch off- which is all very well- but I've only just had my cable tv reconnected and missed 2 days of phone etc and it was during shock horror but House!- so while it is off I decide that seeing as my mum is coming to see me and the kids tomorrow, that I could be getting on with some housework- could being the operative word- downstairs electrics gone- so can't use hoover- oh wouldn't have been able to anyway- remembered that the band went over a week ago and haven't had the time or the inkling to actually take the hoover apart and replace it so have been using dustpan and brush- which you may be thinking is very lazy- and you would be right- because It is a carefully constructed plan, to get out of housework- if I use the dustpan and brush - my 3 year old thinks it's a game and begs me to let her have ago- which after a lot of begging (yeah right) I agree to Carragh 'helping' mummy.

I spent 3 hours picking up the kids toys- - all the tiny bits of lego and barbie furniture scatttered all over the house- I thought I would start as I meant to go on and make sure, before I put the toys away in the box, all the peices were present and correct. I have finally just sat down- as every time I tried to throw away any broken or incomplete toys - they were emptying the whole of the rubbish bag all over the place and the toys being picked up and put in the only clean bit of floor there now was and leaving them there- only to kick them about the place when they were playing kill the sister.

Several times I felt like giving up- I cleaned the house from top to bottom - what felt like 5 times today- as fast as I was finishing one room- the little hurricanes were demolishing it.

The only thing that made me tough it out- is the fact my wonderful Mother is coming over tomorrow- and she will only moan and give me the lecture about - you have to keep on top of the chores- blah blah- blah-the kids could get bird flu, e-coli, botchilism from that teletubbie being left on the floor for that long- so what I do is run around like a woman possessed the day before she comes - and then sit smug when she arrives- and pretend that it has been kept that clean since her last visit.

And just when I think I got away with it - my wonderful daughter announces that she thught it was hysterically funny when mummy was running around like a lunatic- with a duster in left hand- air freshner in right- (and obligatory broom up my arse)- trying to make the house look nice and pretty for Nana- Oh how I laugh!!!!

Today has been a really boring day!

I woke up to find cable company have messed up again and have disconnected my bloody phone and cable TV.( the only thing now worth watching on terrestrial tv- and has been on my TV since 9.00 this morning -cbeebies)
I'm afraid I have been somewhat spoiled with Hallmark and Living Tv. My favourite time of the day after watching the brain washing Touched by an Angel ( the poor mans Highway to Heaven!) is my beloved House- so imagine my distain, to find that my fix will not be granted. Some may say, why didn't I ring them on my mobile and find out what the dickens they were up to - but at 5p at least per minute, from a land line, imagine the unadulterated cost from my pay as you go- ( which unfortunately, I tend not to pay - therefore I can't go). So I have no credit

So I email my mum and ask her to ring me- I'm half way through my wallowing, when mum goes into the lecture about managing my money beter and such, the same Mum- 3 days ago I lent £50.00- yes grand idea Mum- So I am stuck until tonight, when my other half comes in - so I can leave him with the kids - while I go to payphone, where the phone call is free.

But now I am asking myself why I didn't do that earlier - and my only answer to that is Doh!- and plus the fact that if I'm in a public phone booth, on hold listening to Greensleeves, oh and the 'Your call is important to us, and should be answered a week next Tuesday' Some cynical members of my community - may think I am waiting for my next punter- So all said, I think I may send him to go and call- and if he gets propositioned, well all credit to him - as I have been clearly missing something for the last 5 years- and should have sent him out to work sooner!

And to add to it all, my neighbours next door- done a swifty and moved out- the first I knew about it, was the 'To me, To you' coming through the landing walls, So in the interests of neighbourly concern- I went straight to the bedroom window- (to be nosey- no curious, no caring) to find them loading up a removal van, with the £39.99 - (in Argos)- indoor clothes airer I lent them 3 months ago and my Nicky Clarke hairdryer I lent her Yesterday afternoon. I had only a T'shirt on or I would have given her a peice of my mind out of the window, but by the time I found bottoms, got downstairs, hunted in my handbag for keys to open s*dding porch door- they were driving away, in there hired Bedford van and Vauxhall Corsa crammed full of lamshades,carrier bags and duvet covers- with just a hint of what looked like there 3 year old son folded up in the left corner of their boot- answer me this, that in all my misplaced anger at my 2 year old for going in my purse and hiding mummies keys, I thought to myself - why are they called carrier bags- (surely by the shear nature of a bag it means that it can be carried) - considering that carrying even a hint of anything more substantial then 4 wholemeal baps in a 'carrier bag' ensures that the handles go all thin and cut the circulation of your right hand off- so indeed an infringment on Trades Description act - seeing as you cannot, in actual fact carry them- but on the bright side- you can use them for cramming all the old sh*t you don't know what to do with when you move (like somebody elses hairdryer), into the back of small car

It has been a very long time since my last blog- but here is a sweet thing that I have added a link to, for all you lovely romantic softies out there. I have been totally addicted to this for the last week - my highest score is 91. I'm sure this will easily be beaten. Enjoy

http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/high.htm

Happy early valentines!

And for all the men stuck out there- Jewellery is always a safe bet- or nice underwear(in white)(Oh and if you're not sure what size she is, always go with the size smaller than you think she may be- at least that way you won't get the silent treatment or a thick ear- us females will be thrilled to bits that you think we are ex smaller than we really are ! ha ha)

Hello Again.
I have been away from blogging for a few months - my mother board on the computer blew and I had to wait 3 months for an engineer to come out and fix it- meanwhile calling 0845 numbers for up to 1.5 hours trying to get through to said engineer- so that I could get it fixed on the extended warranty I was practically forced into buying when I purchased the computer. But whey hey I am back and running- apparently it was my keyboard that has caused pc illness- and although they could fix the pc they were not responsible for the keyboard- but engineer was very nice ( ha!) and offered me an old keyboard form the back of his van. When he plugged it in I realised that I was missing the letter M, N, @ and E, I mean E for goodness sake- but I pulled the F buttons off and put them in strategic places. until I can get to Tescos where apparently their about £4.00.

But in honour of my Computer I have a themed Joke of the day

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won

I am a bit befuddled as I have only just woken up- Can't believe the kids have only just woken up too- unbelievable (that's obviously why I can't believe it)

Dinner at my mother and father in laws must have really taken it out of me and the poor kids with the wicked grandma (what bigs eas you have grandma)Those poor kids eh?

Well it was either the social visit of a bout of bedtime tv which consisted of channel hopping between some bird who won big brother once being told off by some bloke who doesn't know what accent to speak in and a potty mouthed Tourettes Sufferer on Big Brother.- I really can't decide which was less appealing.

Mind you I did laugh when that camp guy who was up Natasha Kaplonksky for a While did a runner and lost his sarong- oh the shame!- When the thing they call Love Island ( so called because they all love themselves rather than anybody else mainly) finished I turned to channel 6 - ITV2 I watched for about 5 minutes and came to the conclusion that I must have had my dinner or my shloer spiked ( I always new there was a strange and kind of hateful vibe towards me, from my mother in Law) What an earth is going on with that Aftersun programme It is soo weird.

Anyway enough of my ramblings the kids have decided they want to go on the cbeebies website so bye for now

Criminal Mastermind

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Yes they are back- Sorry about the break.

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

On a trip to Newcastle about 7 years ago- I was talked into going to a folk club- boo hiss I thought! but I actually really enjoyed it - everybody took their own instruments and had a sort of traditional kinda Jools Holland moment. I was suprised at how many of the songs I new and could join in with.

But ever since I have been bugged by these lyrics:

My old man can't keep his hands of the bottle,
He just doesn't know when to stop,
Something snaps in his head,
And he won't come to bed,
Till he's finished every drop.

I've googled it, ask Jeevesed it - you name it I've done it to try to find out what this song is called- a sI would like to go buy it. I've been to record stores- I've asked Irish relatives- who all seem to know it when I sing it, but have no idea what it is- PLEASE HELP- I WOULD BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. And my friends will no longer be embarressed about me singing to comlete strangers